We see myself being a lively, bright and girl that is sociable. I enjoy to communicate with brand brand new individuals and have now no issue making friends that are new. I’m not quite peaceful, and I’m not at all the girl’ that isвЂsubmissive many individuals see South Korean girls as.
A lot of men approached me personally, expressing a pursuit in my own outbound character. “i prefer your character that is optimistic, they explained.
But in the course of time, they began to whine about items that energize my entire life, the things I think are essential, like reaching individuals and fun that is having interesting social gatherings. Below are a few plain things i heard from my ex’s:
“Why do you have plenty male buddies?”
“Do you probably need certainly to head to dozens of gatherings that are social? Dozens of ongoing parties?”
“Are all those activities so essential for you?” (Read: “More than me personally?”)
I became confused. I was thinking, is my outbound personality — which ended up being popular with them within the start — a barrier to developing a stable relationship?
We soon learned that I was not by yourself. A number of my girlfriends had comparable concerns when dating South men that are korean. The source that is biggest of issue ended up being the irony of males using various requirements to their feminine buddies and “my girlfriend.”
Some dudes I knew liked getting together with girls whom they called cool and that are funny example, girls who could take in two containers of soju right. Nevertheless the same dudes would get mad when their particular girlfriends tried to drink much more than one could of alcohol. They desired to date a lady who had been smart and independent sufficient to manage her very own life, but in addition reliant sufficient to respect their alternatives, rely from them when faced with difficulties on them to make decisions, and get advice.
You can view this expectation that is contradictory feminine heroines of numerous K-dramas. The stunning female protagonist is separate and savvy at her workplace, however in front side of some guy she likes, she’s one step behind, submissive and mild. She must certanly be resilient but has to be rescued whenever difficulty arises.
Isn’t there a contradiction right right here? I could concede that separate and reliant tendencies might coexist in a person, definitely, but frequently they don’t go together. We thought it more a dream of males whom craved power that is unequal using their girlfriends than a real possibility.
As a young girl, I kept wondering on how i will work, and exactly how much of myself i will show males. It’s strange: In struggling, We often found myself wanting to do naesung and aegyo.
Aegyo and naesung are two modes of behavior women that are young anticipated to take part in whenever working with males. Aegyo is much more explicit; it is acting in a lovely, flirty means, often with funny faces, shrugging one’s arms and shaking one’s head in a child-like means, or usually responding to concerns in a higher-pitched sound. Naesung having said that is acting coy, not being outright truthful. For example, if I was asked by a guy exactly how many containers of soju i possibly could take in, I would personally say “half a bottle” instead of “two bottles.” That might be me personally “doing naesung” or naesung hada in Korean. (Both terms are rarely utilized to recommend just just how men should act.)
And yet i really couldn’t bring myself to accomplish either aegyo or naesung within the way that is proper. I desired males to just accept me personally just how I truly have always been, filled with my outbound, simple character which I thought didn’t get as well as girlish actions.
Then within my belated 20s, we met some body. He was in finance, inside the very first work after university. (I experienced been already employed by a long period at that time.) We dated over per year. For a number of years, he never commented back at my social gatherings or asked us to see him as my sole way to obtain emotional help. I was given by him area — and he provided himself space. He had been considerate, and accepting.
Then the wonder took place. I discovered myself voluntarily doing the alleged actions that are girlish particularly aegyo. (it absolutely was harder doing naesung — difficult as I attempted, it simply wasn’t in me). I acted such as for instance a baby that is cute even without attempting. We also offered him hand-made chocolate on Valentine’s Day. I became in love, needless to say, but exactly what was taking place for me?
Several of my friends began to mention that I experienced changed a whole lot. We stopped happening various social gatherings because i needed to end up like him — being considerate and centering on our relationship. Through him, we learned relationship is much like a mirror that reflects each other, because we discovered it had been he who’d first involved in some kind of aegyo. (in addition, men’s aegyo is a lot more appealing, it’s killing!)
Slowly, I began to believe that perhaps naesung and aegyo in fact was in fact an integral part of my nature all along. Maybe this “me” happens when a guy is met by me who makes me flake out, and we don’t have actually to believe a lot of about just what he considers me personally. Perhaps I became finally enjoying a minute of repose, showing whom i truly have always been, in a safe area free from mainstream definitions of sex functions.
At long last had a response towards the concern I had first posed within my very very early twenties: My outbound character, which attracted males, had not been an obstacle to developing stable relationships. I’d never ever been the situation; I became fine just how I happened to be during my entirety, whether separate, outbound or girlish, and I also could show myself completely if I became offered room, without judgment. I simply needed seriously to have the opportunity that is right as well as the right guy, to let these вЂgirlish’ characteristics show.
We recognized that i would have forced myself until then become this independent, outbound woman by having an “optimistic character,” fixing issues on my own without depending on my man. Perhaps I’d been attempting to show one thing, in this society where individuals anticipate girls become peaceful and submissive.